The Hitchhiker's Guide To Silent Hill
by AlteredTwilightDragon
Summary: Koji goes into the town of Silent Hill, armed only with a book with the words Don't Panic on the cover. Yes, a crossover. Run in fear. CHAPTER 6 AND 7 UP! Knowledge of The Hitchhiker's Guide not needed! Reveiews are very much appricieated.
1. Chapter 1: Intro into Chaos

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent** **Hill**

Disclaimer: I don't own The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or Silent Hill. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's an infinate amount of monkeys here to talk to me about the next chapter. (Improbability Level: 211235 to 1 against)

Chapter 1: Intro into Chaos

Koji walked out of the bathroom on the lookout of a lake by a small town. He wasn't sure why he came here to this place, when he could have gone strait into town. He had come because of the package. Taking it out of his pocket, he read the letter attached to it.

"_Koji. Help me! There's something wrong with this town… Here, I'll give you this so you can come and help me. Remember to take a weapon! Love, Kyo"_

The object the letter was attached to was a book. He'd seen it before, in the library when he had visited this town before. According to Kyo, it was a wholly remarkable book. More popular than the Harry Potter series, better selling than Halo 2, and more controversial than whether or not anything he'd ever written could be deciphered as anything more than random squiggles. It had already replaced major strategy guides as the primary source of help in the town, even though the actual help it gave might get one into even more trouble than he was in prior, but still scores better than the official guides for two reasons. First, it's quite a bit cheaper, and second, on the cover it has the words "Don't Panic" in a bright red. (He'd later looked this up, discovering most of it untrue.) It was called "_The Hitchhiker's Guide on How to Survive in Silent Hill_." "Catchy title" he said as he opened it.

_ "Silent Hill,"_ it said _"Is big. I mean really big. You might think your town is big, but it's nothing compared to Silent Hill. In Silent Hill, there's warps, and doors to nowhere, and there's no counting the dead ends."_

"Great" Koji sighed. "Just what I need. More warping…" He started walking towards town through the mists that concealed everything more then a foot or so in front of him. He then proceeded to walk into a tree. "This" he said, "will not be fun…"

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Thanks to cobra2k for allowing this story to return. And again, sorry for the misunderstandig.Read his story too!


	2. Chapter 2: Mass Confusion

**The Hitchhikers Guide to Silent Hill**

Disclaimer: I don't own TheHitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or Silent Hill.

Chapter 2: Mass Confusion

"In Silent Hill," Koji read aloud from the Guide "Outside of mysteriously chained up rooms, looking at bits of red paper allows you to save" He rolled his eyes. "I hate warping into games…" It was just then that he passed by a bit of the aforementioned red paper. "I don't see what so special about…" he started, but his vision was suddenly obscured by a save game screen. "Oh great… Now what?" He tried saving, but the screen kept telling him to put a memory card into slot one.

When he finally got out, he ran along to escape the paper before it got him again. Seeing a chainsaw nearby, he went over and picked it up, and put it in his pocket, completely concealing it from view. Koji sighed at the obvious logic flaw and walked on.

After a while, he got to a desolate graveyard, and saw a woman kneeling by a grave. "Ok… let's ignore the creepy NPCs…" he said, trying to avoid her, but the all-encompassing event, 'Meet Angela' took place anyway.

The Guide has this to say on the subject of NPCs. _"NPCs in Silent Hill rarely ever help you. More often than not, they will either get you into more trouble, or become an immense burden by following you around and walking right into the undead. Try to avoid NPCs at all costs, but if you must meet up with one, try to lose them as soon as you can."_

"Hey!" she shouted, "Don't go into that town… there's something wrong with that place." Koji sighed, turned around, said, "I don't care" then ran off. After more forests, Koji finally got to the town itself. As he walked along, he noticed blood smeared upon the road. "Why is the blood red," he wondered "when I clearly set the blood color green?" Noticing something move in the distance, he sighed and followed the shape.

"We all know what the thing is" Koji complained to the readers, "But Konami has to make a big deal of it, don't they? And I can only see so far in front of me, it's easy to miss the turn, ah here it is…" He traveled down the alley to the very end, which was blocked off by wooden planks. But, hearing random creepy noises, he crawled into the darkness…

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All words written in italics are direct quotes from the _Guide_. I would appreciate possible _Guide_ enteries, if you can think of any. 


	3. Chapter 3: First Encounter

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent Hill**

Disclaimer: I don't own The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy or Silent Hill. Huh? Douglas Adams has risen from the dead to give me full rights to The Hitchhiker's Guide... (Improbability Level: 25743720 to 1 against)

Chapter 3: First Encounter

_When encountering a creature for the first time, it is important to have a weapon. Good starter weapons for your assault on the infinite armies of the undead would be a board with a nail in it, a pipe, or a broken wine glass. When you first see the creature, use only one of these, not the more powerful chainsaw, you may or may not have collected earlier, mainly because you are not supposed to have an easy time with this in Silent Hill._

As Koji crawled in the dark cavern, he immediately saw the source of the noises. It was a small black radio. He picked it up while the rest of the world watched the undead corpse rise from the depths and start moving toward Koji. "Whoa" he said, finally noticing the corpse "Where'd you come from?" The corpse sprayed Koji with an odd smelling liquid. "Eww… Corpse puke" He grabbed a plank from the wall he'd come through, and beat the corpse down, yelling "Die corpse!" After the body was nicely dead, Koji walked out of the hole. Suddenly, the radio started squawking again "Koji… the park Koji… It's there…"

"That's Kyo's voice…" he whispered, to no one in particular "So, she's at the park is she?" He took out the _Guide _and opened the map function. He found the park and set off.

Several minutes later… 

"THE HELL DO I GO?" was heard throughout the town, Koji at the center of the noise, kicking and chainsawing walls in frustration. He opened up the guide again and looked at it. He found nothing of use, so he continued to walk around, finding no way towards the park. Eventually, by the power of a plot hole, he was led to an abandoned trailer. "If this is where we're supposed to go, why do they put it so far away from where you're supposed to be going?" he asked, still extremely frustrated by not finding it earlier, and looked inside. He peered around the room, and seeing little, decided to walk in anyway. It was then he noticed the piece of red paper, and got caught in the save screen again.

He eventually stumbled out of the screen some minutes later. Falling backwards, he saw a small slip of paper, on it written something in what appeared to be blood. He picked it up and read it. "Meet me at Bar Neely's" Koji considered this for a while, then, smiling an evil looking smile, he set off for the bar.

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My final message to my readers: "We apologize for the inconvenience" 


	4. Chapter 4: The Greatest Form of Trans

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent Hill**

Disclaimer: I do not own The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or Silent Hill. I do however own the supercomputer Deep Thought. It's currently in its 5th year of calculating 1 plus 1… (Improbability Level: 2 to the power of 542,095,734 to 1 against)

**Chapter 4: The Greatest Form of Transportation Ever**

Here's what most strategy guides have to say about alcohol… nothing. Though the creators of the guides almost were certainly drinking it in large amounts while devising their layout, nothing is mentioned. The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent Hill does mention alcohol. It says that there is none in the town, but tells you how to mix a very intoxicating drink out of local materials. (_Mix one health drink with an ampoule, adding bits of corpse. Add a dash of lake water, stir, and drink, but… best have a Med Kit on hand._) The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent Hill sells rather better than most strategy guides.

Koji was sobbing on the floor of the bar. "Why!" he cried to the ceiling "How can they call this place a bar!" Koji looked behind the bar one last time to make sure, but it was true. There weren't any drinks in the entire place. Koji suddenly found himself wondering how the other people in this town got along without alcohol. He started banging his head against the bar, trying to knock himself out, but about the third time he did, he came up with a map stuck to his forehead. "Huh?" Koji said, pulling the map off and looking at it. "Oh, I see" he traced the red lines that ran about the paper with his finger "They want me to go here" He pointed to a question mark "To get something to open a path through here" He pointed to an apartment complex that had a line drawn through it "Which will lead me through to the other side of town. So simple, and yet so needlessly drawn out…"

He quickly sketched the two points onto the map in the Guide, and set off for the question mark. Arriving at the alley, he slowly shuffled towards the end, looking all around, and ready to attack any approaching monster that happened to appear. He calmed down a bit when he reached the end and pulled a key out of the shirt of a very bloody dead guy. He turned around and, on the wall across from him was the greatest form of transportation in any video game or story. It looked like a circle of static, but Koji went up to it and studied it.

"I've never seen one so well built" he said, sticking his hand through and pulling it out again "This is the most remarkable plot hole I've ever seen!" He hopped through it and came out in a room that had only a flashlight as a source of light. Koji sat on a nearby couch and thought for a minute. He weighed his options and finally decided to take the flashlight. As soon as he put the flashlight in his pocket, what appeared to be a mannequin sprung to life. Koji took the chainsaw to it, and it quickly died again. He opened the Guide, and looked at the map of the Apartment building.

A/N: Due to unforeseen complications, we have to skip several very boring points, such as walking down corridors, killing more Dead, and even more of Koji chainsawing walls in frustration. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, though I doubt that you would have enjoyed the 3 pages of that anyway. The high points are: Koji gets the handgun ("Who puts a gun in a shopping cart?"), Koji meets Angela again ("Hey! I don't want your suicide knife!), and Koji meets Eddie in the bathroom ("That's disgusting! What did you eat!") We will be skipping to the part where Koji sees Pyramid Head for the first time. Thank you for your cooperation.

As he walked into the room, Koji immediately saw some kind of hideous monster humping two of the mannequin creatures in the kitchen. "That is so wrong…" Koji gagged, shuffling into a nearby closet, and opening up the _Guide_ to look for any references to the thing. He eventually found the following:

_Pyramid Head: Considered one of the toughest creatures in Silent Hill. Not actually evil, but believed to be James's "Inner Darkness" by many. Most leading game theologians say that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Laura from making a fortune when she used it in her book, "Well, That about Wraps It Up for Silent Hill." But in any case they pose a giant pain as they are unkillable, and are able to strike you down in a single blow. But, as only the hero of Silent Hill can actually encounter one, most people don't have to worry about this problem._

It was at about this point when Koji noticed the Pyramid Head had vanished. "Uh oh… That can not be good…" He slowly opened the door and looked around. "Where'd it go?" Koji thought as he drew his gun. He crept towards the kitchen. Getting a good look at the inside, he saw that the two mannequins were dead, and that a static colored hole lay on the fridge. "Nice plot hole he has though" Koji commented, staring at the hole "I might as well try it…" He hopped through...

* * *

Sorry for the delay, but I've had a lot to do. And school just started, so the intermissions will be even longer. I will post the next chapter a quickly as possible. 


	5. Chapter 5: The Hospital of Doom Part 1

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent Hill**

Disclaimer: Silent Hill is not owned by me, but by aliens! Aliens singing the Silent Hill Song! And that dance on 1 foot! The Hitchhiker's Guide too! (Improbability Level: 2 to the power of 475719033 to 1 against)

Chapter 5: The Hospital of Doom – Part 1 

…only to find the Pyramid Head waiting for him. "Aw, hell" he said, looking around the room, seeing a flooded staircase, and a door. He ran to a door and tried to open it, but it was locked from the outside. He ducked down just in time to dodge the Pyramid Head's giant knife. This went on for several minutes (possibly longer if he was on hard mode) until James, who had to go through the entire level without the use of a plot hole, pulled the fire alarm switch in one of the other rooms. No one is quite sure why he did so, but perhaps he had had a few too many Silent Hill Martinis. Upon the sound of the fire alarm, the Pyramid Head turned away from Koji, who was backed in a corner, quivering, and started moving down the flooded staircase. "That's right!" he called down at it as it sank into the brown water. A few seconds later, the water started to drain, and he walked down the stairs. He took the opportunity to look at the map. "Awesome!" he cheered "I can get to the Park from here!" He immediately ran towards the park, ignoring the 10 or so undead creatures following behind him.

When he finally reached the park, he saw a girl with blonde-brown hair looking out over the lake. "Kyo" Koji called, moving over to her "What's wrong now?" She turned to him and smiled. "No trouble" she said, cheerily "I just wanted you to come here!"

Koji sighed and asked her "You like it here?"

"I sure do. It's cool!"

"You are the weirdest girl in any world"

"Thank you!"

"That wasn't a compliment!"

She tossed her hair and said "Well, anyway, shouldn't we be going?" Koji looked at her funny and asked "Going where?" She smiled and said "The Hospital, of course" Koji didn't like this. "WHAT! The Hospital?"

The _Guide_, being the all-knowing book that it is, does have an entry for the dreaded Brookhaven Hospital. _The Brookhaven Hospital is not a very nice place. Doors are often left with broken locks, and when the locks do work, the keys are hidden with a series of very annoying puzzles. To add to its unfathomable annoyances, it will often change its looks and format at random points. It has doors that will send you places not even on the map, and for some reason you will always leave at night… Quite possibly the only good use for Brookhaven Hospital is to leave behind a tagalong NPC._

"Huh?" she said, poking a plot hole on the wall with a stick "Oh, yeah, the hospital, I want to see it" Koji sighed "Of course…" They walked through the plot hole and arrived in front of the dreary place. "Is there any chance we can just forget about the Hospital?" Koji asked me.

A/N: Not a chance.

"Drat" he whispered as they entered the building. The interior walls were covered in blood. Koji went slightly sick at the sight, but Kyo was ecstatic. "Cool! Look Koji, look!" She cheered, pointing and jumping happily. "Yeah Kyo, I see it…" It was at this point that a Nurse decided to show up. Now, this was not your everyday nurse, but one that appeared to have gone several rounds with a chainsaw, and was very much dead. "Oh! Look!" Kyo said, pointing at it "Koji, kill it!"

Koji sighed and pulled out his handgun and shot it to death. Kyo cheered as he pulled her along. He never really did understand that girl… They traversed through the Hospital, killing Nurses and solving puzzles as they went. Soon, they got to that off-the-map area talked about in the guide. They started walking down the winding path, when Kyo suddenly cheered "Look Koji!" Koji turned to look and saw the Pyramid Head chasing after them. "Aww, crap…" he said, then ran down the path, dragging Kyo along, and running into fewer walls because he was not obstructed by a set camera angle. They finally reached the elevator safely, followed by the sound of the Pyramid Head hitting the doors. James was not as lucky, as he met the Pyramid head on its way back to the start of the path, and got chopped in two… There was a strange energy in the air as they felt the elevator move, and when the doors opened, nothing was the same…

* * *

Sorry about the long wait, but thanks for sticking in there! The Silent Hill 2 series (Part 1) is now over! The Silent Hill 3 series (part 1) will begin on the next chapter. 


	6. Chapter 6: The Hospital of Doom Part 2

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent Hill**

Disclaimer: Since I don't own Silent Hill or the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I'll tell you this. I hear the Brookhaven Hospital is where Michael Jackson gets all of his gruesome plastic surgeries… (Improbability Level: 2 to the power of 2,073,514,61 to 1 against)

**Chapter 6: The Hospital of Doom – Part 2**

The whole building had changed format and the now completely blood-covered walls pulsed slightly as our two heroes walked down the halls. "This isn't the same hospital…" Kyo commented after about 5 minutes of mindless wandering. "Really?" Koji grumbled as he tried opening another busted door "Hadn't noticed…" He tumbled backwards and into a young woman when the doorknob broke off. Koji shook his head, then jumped off of the girl. "Who are you?" he asked, fearing another NPC. Kyo was bad enough…

"I'm Heather" she said, pointing a hand gun at him. Kyo sat there and grinned like an idiot. "Look Koji!" she grinned, pointing at Heather "It's a girl!" At this, she paused, thought for a second, then asked "Are you cheating on me?"

"NO!" he yelled back "And how can you ask that when she's pointing a gun at me?"

"Who are you people?" Heather asked, still holding the gun at Koji, but looking at Kyo. "We're exploring!" Kyo said brightly. Heather saw fit to lower her gun. "What do you want?" she asked. "At the moment? To get out of this place" Koji said, nervously shuffling away from Heather.

Heather put away her weapon and replied "Oh, me too… The place suddenly changed on me, so I have no idea where I am"

"What about your map?" Koji asked

"Map?" Heather asked, confused.

"You didn't pick it up did you?"

"There's a map of this place?"

Koji sighed "Yes… There was…" Her face grew brighter "It was on the bulletin board when you first entered the hospital" She sunk in despair again. Koji sighed.

The _Guide_ has complete and detailed maps for every area, but still decides to comment on the touchy subject of the in-game maps. _If you want to find an in-game map, forget about it. Just finding one requires keen eyesight and about 10 minutes of your valuable game time. Most are impossible to read, and couldn't even tell you where the exit is. The most likely place to find one is halfway through a level in which you don't need one anyway, and the biggest waste of your time is trying to find the exit on one._

"Let's just get out of here, ok?" Koji said, walking towards the nearby double doors and pushing them open.

"Where are you going next?" Kyo asked Heather curiously. Heather thought about it for a while, then said "The Amusement Park, I think…"

"No" Koji said before Kyo could ask.

"Why can't we go? It's an amusement park." Kyo pouted as Heather walked away.

"It's an Amusement park in Silent Hill" Koji said "It's probably not normal"

"Cool! Now we have to go!"

Koji sighed again "And I could say the same thing about you…" He opened the map and began to plot a course towards the Amusement Park.

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Hi everybody! Sorry again it took me so long to post, I've had serious writer's block… But anyway, It's been a while since I played SH3, do don't flame me if I get a few details wrong, ok? And i feel obligated to apologise for my map-bashing. But you have to admit, it's at least partially true... 


	7. Chapter 7: Amusement Park at the End

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent Hill**

Disclaimer: I do not own Silent Hill or The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and I'd like to say that this story couldn't be written without the aid of my friends, the support of my readers, and large amounts of pocky. (Improbability Level: 2 to the power of 2,159,646,709 to 1 against)

**Chapter 7: The Amusement Park at the End of Life**

Koji looked up at the sign marking the entrance to the newest stop on Kyo's tour of Silent Hill. "Lakeside Amusement Park" he said to himself, looking off into the park itself. "Hellside, maybe…" The place was full of rust and blood, just like the rest of the town, except for the bloody bunnies strewn about the place.

_Lakeside Amusement Park is one of the most stupid ventures in the history of amusement parks. It was built in Silent Hill, then transported right to the shores of Hell through the use of gruesome demonic rituals. _

_This is, many would say, impossible. _

_In it, guests can try to eat cotton candy from rusted bloody carts, shop around in the abandoned souvenir stores, or get themselves killed on any number of the attractions. _

_This is, many would say, equally impossible. _

_You can arrive in any deadly situation (usually involving a roller coaster) at any time, due in no small part to the fact that Silent Hill is just weird like that. _

_This is, many would now insist, completely impossible. _

_In the park you can meet a fascinating cross-section of hell's inhabitants, all of which will want you dead for reasons of their own. _

_This, it can be explained patiently, is also impossible. _

_You can visit as many times as you like, and be sure of never meeting yourself, because you'd probably died in there before and became a new blood smear on the wall. _

_This, even if the rest were true, which it isn't, is patently impossible, say the doubters. _

_The immensely high cost of entry is usually paid sometime during your trip. It is advised that you should not go, unless you happen to have a spare life._

_This, many claim, is not merely impossible but clearly insane, which is why the park's slogan is "If you've done 6 impossible things in your life, why not round it off with death at Lakeside Amusement Park?"_

"Kyo, we should go…" Koji started, but found her cuddling a bloody bunny.

"It doesn't look all that bad" she pouted, putting the bunny in her backpack. "who knows, maybe we might even have a little fun"

"Very little…" Koji muttered under his breath, but followed Kyo as she journeyed further into the park. Now, due to rising stress levels in the whole of the horror survival genre, certain facts shall be revealed to you now, so that you don't die in that long corridor due to nervously shaking hands. The Silent Hill 3 section will end after this chapter. I'm sorry, I don't remember much from that game, but when I get it again, I'll add more. Koji and Kyo will not be dying in Lakeside Amusement Park. In fact, except for Heather's violent and sudden death due to a roller coaster car, everyone comes out of this completely unharmed. Now, let us continue on with the story.

Kyo wandered around for a while before entering the gift shop. Koji glanced at the various T-shirts lying in neat rows on the shelf. He blinked. Something on the shelf looked odd… He shone the flashlight on it. It was a bottle with a red cross on it. Koji blinked again. "Wow…" He said, picking it up "This may be useful"

_The Health Drink is small, brown and probably the least likely thing you'd expect to find in a real life horror-survival situation. It is made out of various medicines & protein shakes which have been thrown in a blender, creating a foul tasting, but nutritious and healthy, drink. _

_The practical upshot to all this is that if you drink a health drink in Silent Hill, you'll gain a small amount of life back. In any other place it has been found to kill the drinker slowly and painfully._

_Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindboggingly useful could have appeared in Silent Hill purely by chance, that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of Walter Sullivan._

_The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove I care," says Walter, "for if I care, none shall fear, and without fear, I am nothing"_

"_But" says Man, "the health drink is a dead giveaway isn't it? It could not have gotten in Silent Hill by chance. It proves you care, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't exist. QED."_

"_Oh dear," says Walter, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of half-baked logic._

"_Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that the Golf club is the most durable weapon, and gets himself killed in the boss fight._

_Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Laura from making a small fortune when she used it as the central theme in her best-selling book "Well, that about wraps it up for Silent Hill"_

_Meanwhile, the health drink, by slightly prolonging the drinker's doom, has led to more and bloodier deaths then anything else in Silent Hill._

"Help Koji!" Kyo yelled, Koji looking up from the health drink and walking over to her. A shelf had collapsed and covered her with boxes. Koji smiled slightly "What're you doing under those?" he asked, pushing them off of her. "They fell on me" she replied, eyes tearing up slightly. Koji sighed and pushed the last of the boxes off of her. "Are you ok?" he asked

"Yeah…"

"You sure?"

"Yes" she smiled at him and gave him a hug "Thanks"

Koji smiled and hugged her back. "No problem" he said, then noticed that one of the boxes had popped open, revealing a key. He let go of Kyo and picked it up. It should be noted that at about this time, Heather died because she didn't pick up this very key, because, as I mentioned earlier, everyone otherwise comes out of this chapter completely unharmed.

"Come on," Koji chuckled, getting up and pulling Kyo up "Let's get going, ok?"

"Alright" Kyo replied, dusting herself off and following Koji out the door. They traveled around aimlessly for a while, before discovering a large, mysterious, red symbol. Quickly flipping back to Chapter 2, Koji realized it was a form of Save point, and hid behind Kyo. "What's wrong?" She asked, looking behind her at him, then at the symbol.

"I don't like save points"

"Oh" she went up to the symbol and pushed in the center part to make a hole. She turned around and smiled at Koji. "Better?"

"I guess" Koji looked at it curiously. The hole was actually a tunnel, shimmering with static. He looked inside, it went back quite a way, and he could see it sloping down steeply a few meters in.

"What is it?" Kyo asked, standing next to him and looking in.

"It's a highly sophisticated plot hole" Koji said "It actually might have been here since before writers got lazy." He jumped up into the hole and began to crawl through. "Come on"

Kyo shook her head. "Nuh-uh. I can't go with you this time"

Koji turned around and looked at her. "Why not?"

"Because you have things you need to do. And so do I" She leaned into the hole and kissed him, tears starting to fall from her eyes. "I love you Koji" She pushed him into the hole, sending him spiraling into new horrors.

* * *

Special treat this time with 2 guide entries! Lucky you. The next section is the first part of the Silent Hill 4 game, so you can look forward to that. And I just got Silent Hill 3 again, so be prepared for an updated SH3 chapter in the future. 


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